Stilletto to the face
by VastStride
Summary: Toris, Gilbert and Mathias, 3 "professionally" trained body guards, are hired to safely escort "Princess" Feliks on "her" tour around Europe. Unfortunately, an uncooperative royal and a few drinking issues might cause some trouble on the way  Crack fic


Haha, don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks the title sounds painful? (Thanks, TheGirProject).

Anyway, this is a crack fic, and I'll probably be editing it a lot, so don't be afraid to tell me if its crappy or not, because if I know me (and I know me), I'll forget spelling, some random crap, ect ect... please, if you have any mistakes or ideas, feel free to message me, since I want to improve my writing style, which has faltered over the years.

Basically, this was a crack idea I had after remembering my cousins and I being trapped in an elevator... it was actually scary, but quite funny, since the elevator music came out all warped and sounded like some dancing music in a retirement home. Gotta love family holidays. So, yeah, this story is based off that moment, and from ideas that people gave to me for a crack fanfiction. Enjoy!

A/N: Apologies for Mathias (Denmark); I am not familiar with his character, so he acts slightly OOC in this story, especially in the beggining scene; I will improve on his character later on, so please message me pointers.

Name Key:

Mathias: Denmark

Gilbert: Prussia

Toris: Lithuania

Feliks: Poland

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><p><strong>Stiletto to the face<strong>

**Chapter One:**

"GILBERT." Mathias yelled across the room, storming over and wrenching a beer bottle out of the Prussian's hand. Toris, who was looking in a mirror across the room, glanced over wearily, wondering if they could possibly start fighting again. "You can't drink on the day we meet our client!" Mathias scolded, putting down the bottle and running a hand through his spiked, blonde hair.

Gilbert whined, trying to reach around the Danish man's large form. "Un-awesome! You used to be cool, man. Who did I see downing a whole keg of beer last night, eh?" Mathias smirked, but shook his head quickly, pushing Gilbert back.

"I can HOLD my beer, and I won't smell of liquor by the time we get downstairs~" he teased, quickly taking the beer bottle to the sink and pouring it out.

"MY BEER!" The Albino cried, stumbling over and trying to wrench the bottle from Mathias' hands.

Toris watched quietly as the two wrestled over the now empty bottle, sighing to himself. _How I ever got paired with these two, I will never know… _he turned back to the mirror, running a comb through his brown, shoulder length locks.

"Alright, alright, I give, I give!" Mathias mumbled, flailing as he was pushed against the wall of the kitchen. Gilbert gave a snort of triumph, yanking the bottle out of his hand and laughing.

"Kesesese! You should know better than to challenge the awesome-" He paused and tipped the bottle upside down; one measly drop of liquid fell onto the kitchen floor. The three men watched silently, then…

"NOOOO!" Gilbert fell to the ground tragically, now clutching the bottle to his chest. "That was my last bottle!"

"You drank all of MY beer?" Mathias cried in horror, eyes growing wide. "That was MY money!"

"THE BEER!" Gilbert ignored him and hugged the floor.

Mathias edged away from the mourning Prussian, turning towards Toris. "Is…is he always like this?" He murmured. Toris sighed again.

"Yes…unfortunately." He answered with a bleak nod. The duo stared down at Gilbert's pitiful display for a few minutes. After a while, Toris shook his head, stepped forward and pulled Gilbert up. "Get over it, Gil! We have to meet our client down at the lobby in half an hour, pull yourself together." The Lithuanian let go of Gilbert, brushing his hand on his black suit. _Urgh, he smells like he's been rolling in a darn liquor cabnet…_

To his surprise, Gilbert grinned cheekily. "Kesesese! I know that, of course! Only the worst of bodyguards put liquor before their clients…" He moved away from Mathias and Toris, marching towards the bathroom. "And everyone knows that I'm the most awesome bodyguard there is!" He paused at the door way, turning to look at his work partners.

"…what?" Mathias asked.

"Erm…who is our client again?" Gilbert replied sheepishly. Toris and Mathias groaned.

"You forgot? We looked at the memo last night, idiot!" Mathias yelled. Gilbert just laughed at their anguish.

"Well, we were all drinking last night, even Toris…"

"HEY!"

"Anyway, our client is a king… or some title of royalty." Mathias quickly intersected, putting a quick stop to anymore potential fights. "I can't exactly remember his name, but he hired us to protect his daughter… the Princess." Gilbert's eyes lit up in recognition.

"Ah, I remember, Princess Felix or something, right?"

"Feliks, I think." Toris mumbled thoughtfully. "I'm guessing it is short for something… her father's name wasn't much better. Anyway, we have to protect her while she goes on a tour around the globe."

"Tour?" Gilbert asked, once again lost. "Why?"

Mathias shrugged. "I can't remember that myself, her father didn't really specify over the phone… anyway, we can ask him when we get down to the lobby. We'll be meeting the Princess in person, so I'm guessing we can ask questions." Mathias looked pointedly at Gilbert. "And you won't be making the best impression if you smell like a hobo."

"I do NOT smell like a hobo…" Gilbert sulked before slamming the bathroom door.

* * *

><p><em>Finally! <em>Toris thought to himself happily, walking down the hallway to the elevator at last. First, Gilbert had attempted to take the longest shower in the history of showers, almost flooding the bathroom. After almost a quarter of an hour waiting outside in the lounge room impatiently, Mathias had ended up storming into the bathroom and forcing Gilbert out of the shower. Then Gilbert had started accusing Mathias of attempted rape. It took both Mathias and Toris to calm the Albino down enough for him to get dressed and out the door, but they shortly returned to retrieve Gilbert's pet bird, Gilbird, who Gilbert refused to leave without.

Toris looked around at Mathias and Gilbert, who were bickering together about some TV show that was on last night. The brunette smiled as Mathias leaned over to ruffle Gilbert's hair fondly, much to the Prussian's protest. _I thought Mathias would be as troublesome as Gilbert… but when push comes to pull, he actually isn't too bad._ Toris turned back to the hallway, looking out for the elevator.

"Here it is!" The trio came to a stop in front of the door, Mathias reaching around Toris to press the button.

As they waited for the lift to arrive, Toris inspected the hall curiously, a habit of his. _Assessing your surroundings is necessary when on the job; it could save your life_. Unfortunately, the area was quite uneventful; pot plants, a few doors leading into suites, and a scrunched up piece of paper on the floor; not exactly dangerous.

Gilbert sighed as the lift doors opened. "FINALLY. We've only been waiting since, forever!" He quickly dashed inside the lift, followed by Mathias.

"More like a few minutes…" Toris mumbled, but trailed after them anyway. He glanced around the lift quickly for potential danger; the lift was just about as harmless as the hallway. The buttons next to the door numbering the floors, the two other body guards, and one young man at the back of the lift, searching through what seemed to be a satchel. Toris assessed him; he didn't seem to be any trouble, and the satchel was too small to be holding any weapons of mass destruction. Satisfied, he turned and pressed the button for the ground floor.

Toris closed his eyes, listening to the satisfying whirr of the elevator as it sped down to the ground floor. The only other sounds were Mathias and Gilbert still bickering, the sound of the stranger behind him still searching through his satchel and the faint music playing in the elevator. He heard Gilbert pause, then tuned into their conversation curiously.

"Hey, dude?" Gilbert hissed to Mathias, looking over at the stranger. "Does that guy have a purse…?"

Toris' eyes snapped open. He whipped around to look at the stranger; _A purse? Why on earth would a grown man be carrying a purse? _The stranger didn't notice all three of the bodyguards watching him, still intently searching through his purse. He nibbled his lip, flipping his shoulder length hair behind his shoulders.

_Weird._

As soon as the thought crossed his mind, the elevator came to a sudden stop. The four people in the elevator were sent off their feet and flying into each other. They all slammed into the floor in a pile, groaning in pain and confusion. _Surely we can't be here already…_ Toris thought curiously. _Then why did we…?_

"OW! Like, oh my god, who the heck is on my leg?" The stranger protested, pushing Gilbert angrily. Gilbert glared at the stranger, trying to get out from under Mathias.

"Well, SORRY, but my chest is kind of squished at the moment!"

The stranger scoffed, standing up shakily, sending Gilbert sprawling on top of Mathias. "Like, no need to be rude…" The stranger picked up his purse, which had gone flying into the corner of the lift, peeking into it. They sighed with relief. "Just be lucky that none of my cosmetics snapped." The three stared at the man in disbelief.

"Dude…" Mathias' eyes grew wide. "Are you, like, a transvestite?" The stranger looked horrified.

"U-uh, okay guys, no need to fight, okay?" Toris stood up, helping Gilbert off the floor. "We won't be stuck for long, I'm sure this happens all the time…" The stranger squealed loudly, making Toris jump and accidently drop Gilbert on top of Mathias again.

"LIKE, OH MY GOD, ARE WE TOTALLY STUCK?" The stranger ran over and buried their face in Toris' chest. "I'M, LIKE, TOTALLY SCARED OF SMALL SPACES, YOU HEAR?" The brunette blushed and froze, patting the strangers shoulder awkwardly.

"Uh, there there, it'll be alright… I've been at a few hotels, and this happens all the time. It'll probably only last a few minutes…"

"All the hotels I've been to have totally never screwed up this much!" The stranger suddenly huffed and pushed away from Toris, folding their arms. "I'm gonna, like, sue this death trap for all its worth, if its totally the last thing I do!"

"Holy crap…" Gilbert whispered to Mathias. "…rich AND a transvestite? I thought those didn't exist." Mathias snorted.

"I'm NOT a transvestite!" The stranger whipped around and glared at them. Toris sighed and walked over to the buttons. Gilbert followed suit.

"So, uh…" Gilbert pressed a button. "…now what?"

"I don't know, I guess we wait." Mathias shrugged. "The lifts not responding, it must have broken down." Gilbert laughed loudly, making the three men stare at him in confusion.

"Then I just guess I, the awesome me, has to fix it!" With a triumphant chuckle, he started pressing the lift buttons madly. The stranger screeched.

"Oh my god, like, don't do that, it might, like, explode or something!" They howled. Toris shook his head and pulled Gilbert's hands away from the buttons.

"They have a point; you could make our situation even worse by doing that."

"Then what do YOU suggest we do?" Gilbert challenged. Toris blinked in surprise, ataken back.

"U-uh, w-well…u-um…" he stuttered. "…call for…help?"

"How the heck do you suppose we do that?"

Mathias cleared his throat, stepping inbetween the two. "By pressing the call button." He pressed a large button at eye level with a phone symbol on it. The Prussian and Lithuanian glanced at each other, then looked down, flushed with embarrassment.

_How did I miss that…? _Toris thought sadly. _I'm meant to be the observant one… _the sound of a phone ringing echoed around the lift.

"Aha, the call button is working!" Mathias smiled. A gruff voice answered the call.

"**Hello, Garden Hotel ****Maintenance Centre****, how can we help you?" **

"Hello? Yes, we're-"

"WE'RE TRAPPED IN A LIFT AND WE ARE ALL GONNA DIE!" The stranger screamed, clutching onto Toris and pulling him into an embraced. Toris squeaked and flailed.

"C-calm down!"

"**Uh, miss?" **Gilbert snorted. **"Don't worry, just stay calm, like your boyfriend said-" **Now it was Mathias' turn to chuckle. **"lifts get stuck all the time; do you know which lift you're in?"**

"Like, how can you tell?"

"The number on the ceiling."

"Uh…" The stranger looked up. "3."

"**Lift 3?" **The man groaned over the line. **"Than ones out of order; didn't you read the sign?"**

"We didn't see a sign!" Toris said quickly. "There was nothing on the lift door or anything."

"**Ugh, some hooligans must of pulled it down again…I swear…" **There was a sigh. **"Anyway, theres nothing you can do, you'll be stuck for a bit. Call back again in half an hour if you're still stuck, alright?"**

"Hey, you can't, like, leave us like this!" The stranger yelled into the speaker angrily.

"**Sorry lady, can't help you. Cya." **Then they hung up.

Mathias sighed. "What horrible service; never staying here again."

"They should have more signs if their lifts are out of order!" Toris sighed, sinking down the wall and sitting down. "Guess there is nothing left to do but wait…"

"I don't WANT to wait!" The stranger whined, stamping their foot down so hard that the whole lift shuddered.

Suddenly, they were falling again. All of them screamed in surprise and pure terror as they quickly plummeted, actually lifting up off the ground from the pure speed of their decent.

"WE'RE GOING TO DIE!" The stranger cried, grabbing onto the closest person; yet again, Toris.

Just as suddenly as it started, the lift returned to its normal speed. They fell onto the floor, groaning. "Is this an elevator or a death trap?" Gilbert growled, sliding out from underneath the other three men.

"Yeah, it's a death trap." Mathias agreed, helping the other two up. He glanced at the buttons next to the door. "Oh, it looks like we're almost there-" The lift made a small bell sound and paused, its doors sliding open.

**GROUND FLOOR.**

"AWESOME. Now let's get out of here!" Gilbert and Mathias rushed out of the lift, Toris and the stranger in hot pursuit. Toris looked at the stranger.

"Um…there's no need to follow us, you're safe now; where is your floor?"

"This one, silly." The stranger looked through their purse and took out a mirror. "I have a meeting to go to just down the hall." They said calmly, inspecting their face in the mirror. Toris blinked.

"Oh…all right then… just don't go in that lift again, it might break down." The stranger shuddered.

"Ugh, I'm like, never taking a lift again, thank you very much!" They snapped the mirror shut, nodded at them all, then started off down the hall. Toris watched them for a moment until they disappearing into one of the many rooms.

"Um…okay then…" He looked at Mathias and Gilbert, whose hair was ruffled after the little adventure. "Where is the meeting again?" Mathias thought for a moment.

"They said one of the lobby function rooms…number 6…" He motioned to the hallway they were in. "I'm guessing it's one of these."

"Okay, let's do this thing then!" Gilbert laughed, already recovering from the lift accident. He marched them off down the hallway, looking at the door numbers. "2, 4… ah, 6, here we are!" He walked in the room. Mathias followed him, but Toris hesitated, looking at the door curiously.

_That's funny…isn't this the room that the person just went to-_

"OH GOD ITS YOU!" Gilbert yelled. Toris quickly jumped in the room, ready to tackle a flying boogie man or what ever to the floor. Sadly, there were no monsters; just a few men in suits mirroring his, a tall blonde haired man with a beard, who he recognised as the client, and a very familiar blonde, who was looking as surprised as the other three.

"Uh…hi?" The man from the lift waved awkwardly. The client smiled and nodded at the still shocked bodyguards.

"Ah, welcome, you must be the three bodyguards, yes?" Mathias nodded. "Nice to see you again; I'd like you all to meet my son, Prince-" The stranger glared at the client, who froze and shook his head. "P-princess Feliks." Feliks winked.

"Yo."

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><p>*flails* Exciting ending. Yay.<p>

Okay, don't be afraid to give bad comments, I need to learn to take bad reviews ^^; Thanks for reading this far and not dying.


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